Sometimes I forget to. Breathe, that is.
I can feel my sentences and emotions mixing together in what is surely a deadly concoction. I don’t know whether it’s those fatal fumes or hyperventilating, but somehow I run out of breath. And I can feel it before I open my mouth. Tonight, I am certainly (temporarily) breathless.
Things have been changing really rapidly around me. And part of me is mentally waving my arms like a crazy person–I’m not sure whether this is to try to slow the changes down or to make sure they don’t leave me behind. Either way, it’s exhausting. Everyone is in constant changing motion. When other people are whirring, I feel stagnant. And I panic. I forget to breathe.
All these changes have me begging for more time. I know how crazy that sounds. I can’t hold time, so how can I possibly want more? I think W.H. Auden said it best, “Oh let not time deceive you/you cannot conquer time.”
He also goes on to say, “Time will have his fancy/ To-morrow or to-day.” Again, not super comforting. But a little comforting. There is something to be said for the inevitable.
I want more time together. More time to think. More time to heal. More time to fail. More time to laugh. More time to decide. More time change to my mind. More time to hold hands. More time to read. More time to watch movies. More time to talk.
But what I am essentially saying is that I want more time to breathe. And I want someone to remind me to. Not directly (because being told to breathe only makes me more conscious of my restricted breath), but subtly. Through small changes that can grant me a little more time and air.
I made a list detailing all the things I love about this thing making me breathless. And then I outlined why it was making my lungs ache. The 2 bullet points of worry were nothing compared to the fully page of reasons to love.
Love. It’s the first inhalation of a meditation. It is the will to continue on. It is the CPR to my breathless-ness.
So tonight I will sleep on those reasons to love, and hopefully wake up with breath-renewed.