Every professional sick person knows the word bank of things they certainly don’t want to hear:
You don’t look sick Have you tried….. We don’t know why your test results declined/showed up normal I wish you could still do…. Your prescription isn’t covered by insurance Why don’t you get out more?
The list goes on.
Every full time sick person knows that their disease impacts most, if not all, of their life. And we are only human, so every now and then the pressure becomes too much and we blow. I emotionally shipwrecked last night. Fibro was just too much to deal with. I sent out an SOS, that Oz sort of responded to. Only to give me another phrase to add to the word bank. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but I think you need to go on medication for your fibromyalgia.”
This is something that is a very sore subject with me. When I was first diagnosed with fibromyalgia, I went on medication. More than a dozen medications. And every single one of them ended with bad side effects. I am chemically sensitive, and being a number of doctors’ test tube did not work well with me. (Now, I take pain medication, and try to manage it through holisitic and lifestyle measures). I’m not opposed to trying new things, but certain medications are completely out of the picture for me. I have four years of my life that I can hardly remember due to the number of medicines being pumped through me. What’s four years when you have a lifetime, you ask? It’s a high price to pay when I already feel like I am losing time everyday with fibromyalgia.
He doesn’t understand that I have him now, and can’t imagine losing another second of that time due to fibromyalgia (even though it happens). I love him. And I love the me that I get to be with him when I am not in large amounts of pain (free). Losing that is only a couple of misplaced chemicals to the brain away. That’s a life sentence I could not bear.
But the saddest words I have ever encountered came through muffled white noise, twenty some miles away. “I miss you.”
And he didn’t mean in person, we saw each other yesterday. He meant fibromyalgia wise.
I miss me in less pain. I miss me in my bubbly attitude. I miss being up and out all night. I miss finding hope in every situation. I miss going on failed adventures. I miss not feeling absolutely alone. I miss not crying multiple times a week. I miss feeling brave. I miss…
Yea. I miss me too.