The Lie I Told Tonight

Relationships are a failed adventure with nearly everything they touch. Even more so when you add two diseases in the mix.  Some days our relationship is more failed than adventure. Like tonight. I am watching as Oz snoozes on the couch next to me, in what I hope is a restful, dreamy sleep.

He has so much going on right now. Wisdom tooth removal recovery, penicillin allergy, struggles to gain independence while health insurance and emotional support are both paper thin. Oh, not to mention a sick girlfriend.

As summer goes on, the heat makes every day a struggle. Just the contact of the couch against my back right now sends waves of pain throughout my body, especially radiating to the breast bone and hips. I have dark circles that look cartoonish and my brain is screaming out for comfort…but it often just comes out as fighting.

Oz and I melted down, separately. While I was left to solidify on my own, when Oz started to melt I ran to him. Nothing else really matters in my world if he isn’t.

And that is the lie that I told. When pointing out the stress Oz’s situation was causing me, I harshly said, “Because all of this [his stress] is optional when it comes to my future.”

It is not optional. Not by any definition of the word. And I know to some people this makes me sound dangerously enmeshed in this failed adventure. And I know. But I also know that with great risk comes great reward. He takes that risk with me everyday without hesitation.

I know with my fibromyalgia that failed adventures are inevitable.  This disease makes so many things unclear to me. But my future with Oz is crystal clear. It is already set in so many ways.

So that was the lie I told tonight.

I just hope he forgives me and that his heart recognizes mine as I cuddle up against him.

Sweet dreams, forgiveness, and most importantly, hope.

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